Oh, tasting and seeing.

Dear Mr. Hodgkin's,

This past week, I attempted to write you a letter but could not find the words with which to address you.  The original intent was to undergo another round of chemo last Monday, but this time, my neutrophil count was too low; thus, healing was prolonged further yet again.  I'm sure everyone is leaps and bounds ahead of me in regards to the medical field, but in case you are unaware as well, neutrophils help fight infection within your body.  Because it dropped to 200, on top of the delay, I was again signed up for three neupogen shots that same week.  These are the same shots that gave me bone pain, caused twitching throughout my upper body, and gave me intense hot flashes.  Yep, happened again.  My empathy has now expanded to those dealing with menopause; I got a taste.... yuck, for sure. 

As you may or may not know,  March 15 has come and gone... and I am now officially 24-years old.  In lieu of celebrating, my friends piled around a table at Heidi's in Minneapolis, and it was there that I couldn't help but instigate a round of Affirmation Station.  What's that you ask?  Well, if you know anything about me, the 3 things I love in life are: questions, love languages, and toddlers.  Affirmation Station has nothing to do with toddlers (however, if that was championed back in Kid-O-Deo, my career would hit its climax), but it does combine questions and my love language into one ingenious game (if you don't mind me saying so myself).  It's pretty straight-forward: people in the room speak words of affirmation over each individual.  Doesn't it sound exhilarating?  Oh man, I get butterflies just thinking of it!  Here's where my individualization strength comes into play: each time, I get to set the perimeters in which we affirm (it would surely be boring if it was always the same).  For instance, I once gave my Blaine team the guideline to affirm in the context of a theme, whatever theme they fancy....creativity, GO.  My competitive, sports-crazed Campus Pastor, Matt Anderson, chose the Twins and then deemed me "Ben Revere", while our candid Connections Pastor, Mark Lenz, chose automobile parts in which I was the spark plug.  As you can easily see, this game is not only brilliant, but it generates creativity, team-bonding, and of course, encouragement at its finest.  Why wouldn't peeps embrace it?! 

So, the evening of my birthday, I looked around as my friends chatted about online dating and marriage (is this what all girls talk about? Yes, sir... yes it is), and I interjected, "I see this as the perfect transition for Affirmation Station."  Most of my friends grinned back at me while others rolled their eyes (I know they secretly love it).  To really drive it home though, I said, "You guys, it's my birthday... and I have cancer."  Ha!  I must admit, Mr. Hodgkin's, you have given me quite the card to play when I want something in particular.  Some call it manipulative.... but according to StrengthsFinder, this is a little something called "influence."  I can't help it that the majority of my strengths land in the influential category.  Again, "When in Rome..."  Oops, I digress.

Directions were given by the ever-clever Jackie LaPlant and we then engaged in Affirmation Station "reflective-style".  Directions: each person took a turn to share a positive memoir from this past year of 23.  As they went around the horn, a few memories resurfaced a few thoughts.  My birthday of last year, I remember walking into Paint Your Plate off Grand Avenue with some of my closest girlfriends.  We grabbed a table, carefully chose what ceramic piece we wanted to paint, and then decided on the colors we were going to work with.  I chose a simple tile and so did my good friend, Kate.  Using a pencil first, I sketched out a bird (surprise, surprise... the very thing my hand always seems to draw).  Kate, however, wanted to create her tile for me and asked what I would like.  It was then that I pulled out my Bible and flipped to Psalm 91.  I had read that passage earlier in the day, and after praying to my God, I felt a deep peace that a few of those verses would mark the next year of my life.  My girls wanted to hear what part of the psalm spoke so deeply to me, and it was then that I shared verses 14-15: "Because he holds fast to Me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows My Name.  When he calls to Me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him."  With eloquent cursive, Kate scribed those words onto a tile that now resides on my desk today. 

So where do you think I went when I first heard word of you, sir?  I again opened up the pages in my Bible to Psalm 91.  It speaks so deeply of His complete protection, does it not?  While waiting for doctors in the lobbies, before any surgery, on my way to the hospital, I pored over Psalm 91... I buried myself in this psalm in the dead of night when doubt crept in and in the middle of the day when the words or stories of others (however well-intentioned) rattled my confidence.  Sometimes I read it once and that was enough, but more often than not were the times when I kept re-reading it, outloud, until His peace moved past fear and found its rightful place in the core of my mind and in the depths of my heart.  One evening in particular, my Grandpa sent me an email that will forever be engrained in my memory and a copy ever tucked into the pages of my Bible.  In this message, my Grandpa passed along a little history concerning this precious psalm of mine.  Would you care to hear it, Mr. Hodgkin's?  I only need to communicate 2 sentences for you to pick up on the significance: "The 91st Battalion in WW1 used this psalm and recited it before going into any battle.  They were in 2 of the bloodiest battles of the war and never lost a casualty."  Sir, do you not see the parallel?  This is something called symbolism.  You see, my God knew a year ago, that out of all the passages in Scripture, I would choose these verses.  He already knew the story behind them and the comfort I would take in its victory.  Just as He armed the 91st battallion, so He equips me with strength for the battle waged against me.  Like the last words written in Psalm 91 read (which I cannot verbally say in this season without tearing up): "With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation" (v.10).  Yes, that's surely my God.

So where am I now?  Don't say that so wickedly, sir, because there is news to be shared.  News that may knock you off your high horse.  After being dismissed this past Monday from treatment, feeling so sick from all the neupogen shots, and other various disappointments that happened throughout the week, my perseverance was running a bit flat.  Well, that's actually quite the understatement; I was really feeling crushed by the weight of it all asking, "Really? Anything else?"  Have you ever heard the Elevation Worship song that sings: "Give me faith to trust what You say; that You're good and Your love is great?"  Well, that was the cry of my heart this past week, and in the time of my need, my dear friend, Charissa Pederson, pointed me to Psalm 86.  As soon as my eyes read "show me a sign of Your favor" in verse 17, I dropped my Bible in my lap and looked up to the sky pleading with the Lord for that very same thing.  Could you please show me a sign of Your favor? A sign of Your goodness?  Well, Mr. Hodgkin's, if we here on earth know how to give good gifts to our children, "how much more will [our] Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him?" (Matthew 7:11)  So I asked, tried to rest in His perfect timing... and then waited.
  
This past Friday finally came around and I drove into the oncology center for my third round of chemotherapy.  When I walked down the hall, I was greeted by my favorite nurse practitioner (hands-down).  How could she not be when she was pumping her fists and excitedly chanting, "Heidi Stoltz is in the house!"  I can't help but feed off her energy; who says you can't have fun at the oncologist... definitely not Kris!  After she checks my counts, my vitals, and my neck, I am deemed ready for another confrontation with chemo FINALLY (see, I have no patience).  However, before we got up to leave, Kris cheered, "After this, you will be more than halfway done!"  My forehead crinkled as I tried to make sense of this... "You mean, I will be halfway done after today."  She then gave me the best news I could have ever heard: "We will confirm with your oncologist... but his notes clearly say a total of 4 chemotherapy treatments."  Of course, I'm trying not to freak out in case it's a mistake, but we bump into my doctor in the hall and he confirms the truth: my body is responding so strongly to treatments that I only need a total of 4.  BAM.  Man, do I love my oncology peeps.

Yes, my mouth burns yet again and I'm nauseous every time I see the sign Noodles & Company... but there is an end in sight to you, my friend.  And it is sooner than anyone but my God ever imagined.  Now would be a good time to share with you the mantra I landed on for Year 24.  It's the words in Psalm 34:8 - "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"... In just 10 short days of this year, I am already tasting and I am already seeing.  Man, doesn't it pose the question: what does the Lord have in store these next 355 days??  Well, it's very clear: goodness, that's what.  "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13).  

Yours Truly,
Heid