Oh, happy endings.

Dear Mr. Hodgkin's,

I've wrestled back and forth, tried over and over, gave it all that I have.... and I give up. I simply cannot sleep.  Is this not one of the worst feelings a human being can ever experience?  My eyes are so heavy from exhaustion, but I somehow can't seem to turn off all the thoughts racing around my out-of-control brain.  Where is relief, I ask of you?  It's about 6 AM and I've decided a mid-afternoon nap will have to do because surely I am getting no where.  I very grudgingly decided to crawl downstairs, put on the fire (it was cold this morning, I swear), wrap myself in blankets, and pick up on our rusty correspondance.  Sounds picturesque, but I'm pretty much a hater right now. You really have no idea how much I love my sleep, sir.

I can say I've experienced quite the range of emotions this past week.  In fact, Sunday in particular, I traveled down both ends of the spectrum.  I started off on one side that morning by teaching in Kid-O-Deo (our Early Childhood program at Eagle Brook Church).  Ironically enough, the lesson was on Mark 5 when Jesus healed Jairus' daughter; the main point we drove home was that we can go to Jesus when we are feeling sick or hurt, and He has the awesome power to heal us.  Gotta love God's humor.  Here's where I experienced the joyful end of the gamut.  Every weekend, at the end of the lesson, we have the Kid-Os get up on their feet and repeat a one sentence take-away starting with the words: "God Says."  We start off whispering this phrase, and we quickly escalate to our outdoor voices because "I want to wake up the babies" (I can't help but fuel that).  Because I'm always competitive, I ruffle up their feathers first by claiming I can be way louder than all of them, and I proceed before they can even rebuff.  Get this: at my 11:05 service, I had 75 Kid-Os clench their hands into fists, suck in a huge breath, and at the top of their lungs, with veins popping out of their necks, they screamed at me, "GOD SAYS: JESUS HEALS YOU!"  Goosebumps ran down my body, and I blinked back at the Kid-Os.  Sir, sometimes you have to search diligently to find God in the place you're in (which Proverbs 8:17 promises it is there you will surely find Him)... but sometimes, God screams (in this case, literally) in your face and it would take everything in you not to listen.  My Kid-Os had no idea what powerful words they were shouting, but I was again reminded (this time in the slightly aggressive voices of 3-,4-, and 5-year-olds) that my Lord certainly has the power to heal me and I can confidently walk in that victory. P.S. I won. I was way louder. 

With that being said, my heart has indeed been enlightened to His incomparably great power (Ephesians 1:18-19) in which He has kept me strong.... but I so badly wish I could say this was always the case.  That I consistently trusted in His plan and His ways.  But it was even in that same day that I faltered.  It was that very night you got to me, sir.  I was reading like I often do before I nod off, and my neck began to itch.  My hand moved to scratch the spot, and as it did, my fingers grazed the bump where the wire of my port is embedded... and it was then I swung over to the other side of the spectrum.  Because here's where you got me: I have a device in my chest because of you.  I have a shaved head because of treatment used to counter you.  I have poison racing throughout my body to get rid of you.  The thought that then moved to the forefront of my mind was this: I don't even feel human anymore.  With a forlorn sigh, I rolled onto my back and bit my bottom lip to hold back the tears forming in my eyes.  I laid there on the carpet staring at the ceiling for a few moments but couldn't hold it in any longer; the tears that used to normally catch in my hair instead freely flowed around the back of my head and soaked into the carpet.  When will this be done, Lord?  Augh, I'm already so over this. 

My high school health class affirmed crying as a positive stress reliever, but I've learned that once I get it all out, I need to move onto something else before my thoughts begin to obsess over whatever the tough situation may be.  This was no different; I needed to put a pause on thinking about my life and get lost in the story of another.  So it was then that I did the unthinkable.... I picked up a fiction novel.  See, if you know anything about me, Mr. Hodgkin's, I'm a Half Price Books fanatic, and when I step into this enchanted forest, I go straight to the Spiritual Living section (with an occassional pit stop in drawing/art) - but never fiction.  However, that night, I did not want to dig deeper or develop anything in myself.  You can only take life so seriously.  So I opened up this fiction novel, Emily Ever After, and with each turn of a page, I walked alongside this woman who got too caught up in this sketch-of-a-man.  When he broke her heart on page 176, he broke my heart.  When he admitted he was using her to get over another girl and she wanted to punch him in the face, my fist started clenching.  Irrational?  Whatever.  I just wanted her to be swept away by the precious high school "friend" that was obviously the right guy by His love for Jesus and the way he treated her.  But this did get me thinking...

Sir, did you know I'm a hopeless romantic?  Oh, a very shameless one indeed.  Every book I read, every movie I watch, I root for the right guy to declare his love for the right girl, defeat any evil thrown at them, and then live happily ever after.  But here is where I am convinced: don't we all?  Don't we all, deep down, no matter how hurt we've been or what's let us down in the past, still hope for the good to win out in our lives?  I'm finding the older I get (and have just turned one year wiser!) the more aware I am of people struggling, their pains, and their issues that it sometimes seems as if evil is running rampant.  The little girl in me asks, "Why are the bad guys winning? When does the good pull through?"  I'm also noticing when I voice these thoughts outloud, I can get laughed at by those that have experienced a "heart ache beyond the imagineable."  I've heard, "Welcome to the real world" or "Get used to it" as they bless me with a pitied look and write me off as naive.  What I'm  really finding though, out of their mouths, is something purely cynical.  This is neither pretty nor is this reality.  Are you understanding what I'm getting at?  We expect goodness, sir; it's wired in our very beings.  This is obvious each time we feel slighted when someone fails us or something sets us back as if we didn't deserve that.

May I explain more?  I've been talking about this book called the Bible.  It's not only brilliant, but it's true and lasting.  It lays the foundation for my life.  Why?  Because it's God's Word.  Sometimes people just say that and they miss what they're actually saying...I'll repeat myself again with a bit more emphasis this time: it's God's WORD.  It's God speaking to His people.  Not just years ago, but today.  My God's Word is "active, like a double-edged sword" (Hebrews 4:12). 

If you take a step back and take a look at the Bible in it's entirety, you see this beautiful story unfold, a love story indeed (I know you're a boy, but follow with me).  It begins with creation when God created man- not because He needed to but because He loved to.  There, in the Garden of Eden, there was nothing but pure intimacy with God and with one another.  Unfortunately, there is betrayal... "Only to be expected," says the cynic.  Well, that's bitterness speaking and that's not how God works; that's how we work.  Thankfully, we are His bride, and like any man should, the rest of the pages in the Bible mark His pursuit of us.  His dying intent to win us back with the chance that we will return our hearts to Him.  All throughout the Old Testament, God's people chase after other gods, demand other kings, and turn to other lovers.  Page after page, God's love never changes.  The unfaithfulness of His people, although very painful, could never beray His character.  He continues to give them a clear invitation to return to Him, like a husband unconditionally loving his wife.  But time after time, His people instead choose the sin that so easily entangles. 

Would my God leave the story there?  Again, He is the essence of good, loving, and patient.  Like I've said before, He sent His Son to die for His people.  To offer His love a way, the only way in fact, to return to Him.  We of course have the free will to make this decision, but sir, I am determined to not be like the Israelites.  To bring pain to my God by rejecting Him and being unfaithful after all He's done for me plainly makes me sick to think about.  Oh yes, I will waver, no doubts about that, but my heart is resolved on staying in relationship with Him, and the best part: He is always more than gracious to steer me back on the well-beaten path.  But how can I be confident in a happy ending, you ask?  The City Harmonic sings it perfectly: "This is the story of the Son of God hanging on the cross for me.  And it ends with a bride and groom and a wedding by a glassy sea.  This is the story of a bride in white singing on her wedding day.  Altogether that was and is can stand before her God and sing holy, holy, holy."  In the end of the Bible, God promises to return for His bride.  He would never leave us nor forsake us; in His perfect timing, He will restore my soul and intimacy with Him just like the original intent in the Garden of Eden.  Sir, as someone who puts my faith in Jesus Christ, this world ends with a happy ending... and with it starts a beautiful beginning. 

So here and today, Mr. Hodgkin's, I'm not going to let the rising action of my story deter me away from the hope I am promised.  I will rise to the occasion, and in doing so, I will wait expectantly and hold out for my happy ending.  How could I not?  It's in no way naive, for my God repeatedly tells me to take heart (John 16:33), to continually have hope (Psalm 71:14), and trust that He is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do (Numbers 23:19).  As His bride, I will remember this beautiful promise: "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Nothing you do can change that, sucka.

Yours Truly,
Heid