Oh, the peek into my journal.

Dear Mr. Hodgkin's,

Year 24 has been a bit rough so far... haha, to say the least.  I can't count the number of times my friends have sat across from me in my living room and echoed one another with a, "Heidi.  What the heck... your life is a soap opera.  How does all this happen? And often at the same time!"  This past week in particular, as I retell the stories, I can't help but laugh out loud (I mean, it's either that or sob uncontrollably. Ha, sir, I'll choose the former).  BUT the glass is always half-full, my friend, and Year 24 still has 10 months left in its scope.  10 glorious months chalked full of hope... because a lot can certainly happen in 10 months. 

I'm a journaler, Mr. Hodgkin's.  Always have been, always will be.  David repeatedly exhorts in the Psalms to remember the deeds of the Lord, and I do that with the stack of journals that chronicle each season He has led me through.  You've gotten a taste of the content because I have largely used these letters as my journal this spring, but instead of writing to you, I normally compose my letters to my God.  You see, my notebooks are simply my prayers recorded in pen on paper.  I'd like to share more... 

In the beginning of January, my hand scripted these lines: "Here I want to dream with You and watch You open up ideas and possibilities I had never thought of. Here I want to learn from You and be led by You. Here I want to trust You more.  Now facing Day 1 of 2012, will You work in powerful ways where it is very plainly seen as Your handiwork?  This year, I want to resolve to trust You at all costs.  At all times.  In every measure.  Countering every fear and doubt."  Now, reading over these words, knowing they were written right before you entered my life, I breathe in awe and exhale out delight.  He has assuredly moved mightily and indeed deepened my earnestness to trust Him on a completely new level.

Can I share more?  In the words of Sara Groves (a song in which I cannot sit still when listening to because my soul is just so stirred; as well as the song that exhausted my repeat setting), I scribbled down: "I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain; the broken find healing in Love.  Pain is no measure of His faithfulness; He withholds no good thing from us."  The lines in my journal testify to the truth in these lyrics as I continued to write on, in the depths of my pain, how vicious your ways were to tear down my spirit... but how fierce and loyal my Lord's love had countered them all.  As I clung to Him with a weakness I have never before experienced, my God proved Himself very strong on my behalf, and as I look up to the sky through tear-filled eyes, I couldn't be more proud of the God I serve and the Man I love with my entire soul.  Through Jesus and the cross, He in no way withholds any good thing from me.

And then now, as I flip forward to the pages that are recently smeared by the fresh ink of my red G2 pen, I want to share my jotted prayer as I'm currently trying to figure out how to transition out of this season.  Please read on...

Dear Father,

I pray that You use me only and always for Your purposes.  That You bless me with Your wisdom that I can share with the masses.  That Your Word would ever be on my lips and a "Praise Jesus" never far from my thoughts.  Tough stuff is ahead... indeed that is guaranteed as I navigate through this weary land.  But prepare my hands for the battle, Lord, as You promise those that seek You shall never be ashamed. Give me the faith to trust what You say and believe in Your power above all else... that it can undoubtedly move mountains.  There is so much freedom and life that comes from You, Jesus, and I don't ever want to look past that or sleep through that.  Help me to wait expectantly, trust wholeheartedly, seek relentlessly, and love unconditionally.  I give myself fully to Your work and I'm rocking back and forth in my chair excited at the thought of what You have in store for me.  You are good, and You are strong.  Praise You, Lord.   Let my life be a story of Your glory and undefied presence.  Let's do big things, God.  Let's see the sun stand still in 2012.  With my toes curled and my teeth clenched in excitement, I am indeed ready, Father.  I want to be a Joshua.

In Jesus' powerful Name I pray, Amen.

Mr. Hodgkin's, this is my small beginning to a life of serious Kingdom impact... that I am set on.  But just like in 1 Kings 18, when Elijah bent down with his head in between his knees waiting for the promised rain, so I will get on my knees until I see the fruition of the purpose my God has for my life.  The thing is Elijah sent his servant to look for rain 6 times... and 6 times there was nothing.  But Elijah remained faithful as He waited.  He knew the character of our God.  What He plans to pass will definitely be accomplished.  And with that resolve, and a 7th look, there was sign of a small cloud.  With that small morsel of evidence, Elijah knew the rain was coming... and not long after, the 3-year drought ended with pouring rain.  You see, Mr. Hodgkin's, my God has already proven His faithfulness by healing my sick body.  Why would He stop now?  By His grace, I will remain faithful, with my heart bowed low, and wait for my small cloud to form knowing that soon after, I can expect a pour-down.  Hallelujah, sir.

There's freedom from my past and there's hope in my future.  Claiming that today, sucka.

Yours Truly,

Heid