Oh, the moods that mark my days.

Dear Mr. Hodgkin's,

There are days when you become too much.  On those days, I curl up in the tiniest ball my 5'9" body will allow, pull my volleyball-patterned fleece blanket over my head, and close my eyes tightly as I ask Jesus if, respectfully, just maybe, He has given me too much.  These times, as my body begins to shake from the hardest sobs I have ever cried, my mind recites Psalm 57:1 over and over again: "Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in You I take refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."  So there, under the protection of my Lord and my blankets, I hide.  With unsteady breaths, I wait.  And with unrelenting fear, I can't help but wonder.

And then there are days when a righteous anger ignites in me as I am reminded of Ephesians 6:12, "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."  I'm a born and raised conservative, baptist girl, but when these days hit, I'm transformed into this charasmatic, super-warrior who tears down any evil force that dares to approach her vicinity.  Who would have thought?  Ha, certainly not me.  I have to be careful though because on days like this, I feel invincible... and I may or may not carry this valiance behind the wheel.

On the other hand, there are the days where I'm lost in thought.  The days when I catch myself staring out the window and chewing over God's plans and His ways.  This is when my temperament is mild and my introverted self appeals for a quiet corner in a coffeeshop or a long walk through the neighboring streets where my mind can just race. 

Then, my favorite, there are days when this unexplainable joy bubbles in my very being and I can't help but giggle outloud, grin up at the sky, and prance around Target's parking lot before I grab my groceries.  These are the days when my heart befriends the Lord's sovereignty and I realize you have nothing on Him or His healing power.  These days I dance in the middle of the street in the middle of the night as Bethany Dillon's "All I Need" runs through my headphones (every girl knows what I mean... that song is timeless).  What was that?  Yes, sir, I have always been "spirited" as you call it.  My parents have shared how I was that 3-year-old who was happiest spinning in the corner singing to herself.  And I was that girl who was sent to our elementary school's Compass Room (a room where "troubled" kids can receive redirection...please catch the play on words there) because I was laughing too loud.  And I was that young lady who was nicknamed the "sparkplug" on my volleyball team because of the contagious energy I'd bring as soon as I walked onto the court.  So, yes.  You could say this kind of a day marks my natural bent. 

Lastly, there are days where I'm oblivious to you in my life.  Inconceivable, huh?  These days, I continue to live life as any other 24-year-old girl does: working, reading out in the sun in hopes to be any color other than pasty white, grabbing ice cream with friends, and making every attempt to downsize my closet but miserably failing.  Crazy to think that in two short weeks, this will be an everyday reality.  Woohooooo!  Oops, I don't hear you cheering, sir...

All in all, no matter what disposition my mind is facing, my God meets me there and sees me through.  Yes, He allowed you to crash into my life, but in the words of Joseph, "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20).  At the end of the day, His glorious plan will be carried out, and I'm determined to keep the faith along the way... an audacious faith at that. 

When I was in college, I realized I was playing it safe when it came to my prayers.  A couple unfortunate events happened that were deeply disappointing to me, and I noticed, as a result, I began to pray in this manner: "Um, Lord, this is what I would like... but if it's not in Your will, please help me be okay with that.  Eh, deal with me gently please.  Amen."  Do you see how I was trying to curb each prayer so I wouldn't be discouraged?  Do you also see how paralyzing and unfruitful that was, sir?  So let me introduce my year marked by 5 Bold Prayers.  Enough was enough.  I threw open my journal and scribbled down 5 things I really, really, really wanted that seemed impossible... and then simply asked God to take over.  Easy enough?  Oops, nope.  Not exactly... there was this crucial part that James kindly reminded me in chapter 1, verse 6: "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  Well, the latter certainly did not sound appealing... so believing it was.  And let me tell you, Mr. Hodgkin's, the ways the Lord moved in that year was nothing short of miraculous.  He answered a few and changed my heart with the others, and now I can't help but wiggle with excitement when October rolls around.  Why?  This now marks the time for yet another round of 5 bold prayers to go up.

Things haven't changed.  You catch me off guard, yes... but I remember the deeds of my Lord.  I remember His saving faithfulness.  I remember His incontestable power.  And I will still pray fearlessly and live yet another year to see His hand move on my behalf.  Boom.  You just so little, Mr. Hodgkin's.

Yours Truly,
Heid