Oh, what a day of rest that was.

Dear Mr. Hodgkin's,

My last round with the belligerent chemo was last Friday, and she sure went down swinging.  I'm now just finding my feet and regaining balance after the punches she managed to throw.  After Easter services on Sunday, I gave into my body's pleads to rest and made my way to the couch.  Other than joining my family at the dinner table that evening, I barely ventured away from my cushion as I wrapped myself in blankets (and whipped them off every half hour because of my incessant temperature changes) and plopped in Season 1 of Castle (thank you Easter bunny.... cough, thank you parents).  Within the next few hours, one thing became very clear: I don't handle sickness well.  I don't handle it well at all.  I literally moan, exhaling loud to get attention, and dramatically drop exaggerated comments like, "I swear these are my last breaths.  It's been great knowing you all."  Give me time and I find it is very easy for me to sink into my very own pity-party.  Not very flattering, you can assume.

Yes, I'm sure my doctors and my nurse friends are proud of me for taking a couple days for some much needed R&R... but besides the detective instincts I sharpened through my television show of choice, this time proved to be counterproductive.  Here's what I mean: like I shared last time with you, Mr. Hodgkin's, I'm a feeler, but also very much a thinker.  My mind races with thoughts all day long (some congruous, some random), and it's quite the feat to flick the off switch.  So you can only imagine what it would be like for me sitting there for hours left to my own disposition just to think.  A ridiculous, yet entertaining train of thought weaved in and out I can assure you, but in all seriousness, my mind did drift to what my friends were doing that day... one was tasting cakes with their fiance in preparation for their big day, another was vacationing up at the North Shore with her mom, then yet another was sitting at night class in pursuit of her masters degree. And I thought.... man, what I would give to be them.  How I so desire to once again live a care-free life like that.  A nasty feeling of envy began to build and my thoughts gave way to his sick invitation as my mind continued to travel down his purely disastrous path.  What I would give to instead be worried about the guest list to my wedding instead of the likelihood of you coming back in 5 years.  What I would give to stress about homework due the next day instead of stress about the damage you may bring to my body.  It went on. And ended with, What a life I have.  Ew, even as I read that, I'm grossed out.  Envy is a foul companion and he networks with the like: disappointment, jealousy, hopelessness, resentfulness.  Hmm, no thanks.  That's not a people group I want to woo (my #3 strength).  I'm glad my God very quickly revealed him for what he is.  I must disassociate.

Sometimes, sir, I forget who I am.  I forget what's been done for me.  I had the honor of sharing my story at Northwestern College's chapel yesterday, and as I did and with further reflection afterwards, light was shed on these thoughts I was wrestling with.  That's the beauty of being made new in Christ: life is always at work in me and I have the promise of inwardly being renewed day by day... regardless of the troubles I face (check it - 2 Corinthians 4:12,16).  And here is where I lost sight and where my gracious Shepherd guided me back: 

Jesus gave up His life so that I could live mine.  He didn't suffer a brutal death for me to complain and question the life He's given me.  Heck no.  He didn't bear the cross for my soul so that I could give into envy and jealousy.  No, Jesus came so that I could have life, and have life abundantly (John 10:10).  Sir, I don't know exactly what that looks like for me today (except for the online shopping spree I may have indulged in...dang Gap, gets me every time), but if my good God allowed you to pass through His hand into my life, I'll forgo looking to my left and coveting my neighbor.  I'll keep my eyes on Him, trusting His plan... because I have a life to life.  A life worthy to be fully lived because it's marked by the blood of Jesus.  A life deserving to be fully lived because my God is leading it.  A long time ago, I had echoed the words of Ginny Owens and told my God: "Take me on the pathway that leads me home to You, and I will walk through the valley if You want me to." Gulp.  Never would've dreamt how deep of a valley or how rough my pathway may be.  It is already very clear it will not be easy... but it's promised to be holy, transforming, and yes, my friend, it's promised to be good.  Stop rolling your eyes as if those are just fancy notions or naive hopes.  Remember, I'm His creation; I'm His child; I'm His beloved.  I've been chosen, redeemed, and empowered... and through the Holy Spirit, my life will certainly reflect that. 

Don't be fooled, Mr. Hodgkin's... He reigns.


Yours Truly,
Heid